What's your parenting mantra? Talk amongst yourselves.

Hedra (Parenthacker extraordinaire) wrote to me a while back musing on the recent post encouraging us to list our parenting superpowers. She'd love to take that conversation in a slightly different direction:

How about "parent mantras?" You know, the things you say to keep yourself going during the latest meltdown or catastrophe, to maintain balance, compassion, humor, or even the appearance of calm.

This idea was the start of a thread on the multiples Yahoo group I'm in. Multiples moms use mantras a lot - but we all have them, yes? I have three:

1) It's just a phase. Whether this is good behavior or bad behavior, it is probably going to be grown-out-of eventually. Reminder not to panic, and to cherish what's happening right now. Even being called 'That' - instead of 'Mommy' - by my second son is something I now definitely miss.

2) Wait twenty minutes. This one is a friend's, but works like the others - for good or ill, if we wait twenty minutes, things will probably be different. Siblings fighting? Twenty minutes later, they're laughing together. Twins holding hands while taking a walk? Twenty minutes later, they're complaining about each other. Up, down, it moves fast. If I lock in to what's happening at any given point, it colors my mood, my day, my attitude. Wait twenty minutes, and I'm reminded that it comes and it goes, flows and shifts and changes.

3) In two weeks, it will all be different. (Notice how they're all about waiting and not getting 'stuck' in what's going on now?) This one was from the very difficult breastfeeding experience I had with my first. A friend told me that I could probably last two more weeks, and if I did, it would all be different. I did that three times before it was 'better' but she was right about it being different. I felt different, I wanted different things, I knew different things, I could see and understand what was going on in a new way. It takes longer as they get older, but I still use the two week mantra.

Anyway, there were a slew of hysterical, 'oh-yeah', and useful mantras on the multiples group. I wonder what mantras ParentHackers use?

I use the "in two weeks" mantra all the time! It's so hard to take the long view when the immediate future (as in, the next five minutes) is so intense. But it's often the key to my sanity.

My other mantra is I don't expect perfection. I don't expect it from my kids or from myself. Many of our decisions are actually a series of incremental shifts -- I want to model that flexibility to my kids. I never want them to let perfection stand in the way of whatever they strive for.

What's your mantra?

(For more quick hits of inspiration, check out Mommy Mantras: Affirmations and Insights to Keep You From Losing Your Mind.)

Comments

[Liss]

My mantra is "Where's the camera?" It's usually used for those times when kid A dumps water out of the bathtub onto fully dressed kid B or kid A gets himself stuck crawling through a stool and starts screaming, etc. Not really helpful for if your kids are taking it out on each other, but helpful when they are in meltdown since it's usually something that chuckle-worthy when it's all over!

[Heather]

"Today only comes once." On the hard days, it reminds me that tomorrow will be different--maybe not better, but at least not THIS day again. And on those many other days, it reminds me that this moment in my kids' lives--and in mine--will never come again. It helps me enjoy it while I have the chance.

[Ethel]

I have two:
"It's usually okay to be a lazy parent." This comes from the desire I see from a lot of parents to over-manage their kids, to the point where the kids never really learn how to handle things on their own. I struggle to balance my desire to LOOK like a good parent with my desire to BE a good parent sometimes; in the long run, I do think it was generally good that I didn't run for every scrape and that my DH and I don't entertain our kids constantly (we can get away with this more than usual because we have twins who can entertain each other).

The other is, "Think about how great this trait will be when she's a teen / adult." This comes up a lot with Lenora's stubborness (which will be great when she runs into peer pressure, or if she ever encounters discrimination) and Iliana's constant testing and re-testing of the rules (which will be useful in almost any career; she tests and questions everything!).

I haven't been by the Yahoo! multiples group in a while, I should stop by and check out this thread. It's funny how often I keep bumping into you online, Hedra!

[Kerry]

"Everything is good RIGHT now."

I use this one more and more when I am stressing about things I need to be doing. By way of recent example, I was stuck in traffic for a hour with my 16-month-old in the back seat. I was able to turn my agitation around by focusing on the fact that my son was content, the sun was shining, and everyone was in good health. I could worry about being late to my appointment after I arrived, but for the moment, "everything is good RIGHT now."

[Jen]

"Can I drop him off somewhere in Nebraska?"

Just kidding.

[amy]

My mom passed mine down to me. When my patience is waning with my 5 year old and I'm not coping well with whatever behavior is making me crazy at the moment I usually say (in my head) "Why are you acting like such a 5 year old?". It makes me remember that he's just a little boy and is probably just acting like one. It makes me feel a little silly and snaps me out of my grump. I'm usually better equipped to deal if I remember to bring my sense of humor to the party.

[Cagey]

My parenting mantra is "it's all about ideas, not answers". I try to talk about things with a variety of folks and I read a variety of books/magazines. Then I take those thoughts and ideas and apply them. If that does not work, then I try something else.

[Jackie]

laugh about it, see it for the moment it is.

[Just Plain Joy]

"Do it with love." I figure if I approach every situation with love in my heart, I can't go wrong.

Check out my latest post at http://www.JustPlainJoy.blogspot.com

[Carrie]

One of mine is "Pick your battles" - I have to remind my husband about this on a daily basis. As the stay-at-home parent, I get more opportunities to figure out what works and what doesn't. Sometimes my husband struggles with what works, but he is slowly adopting this mantra. If she is resistant to going to bed, but will go if she has 8 books to read in her crib, then she can have the books. We can always fish them out of the bed when she's fast asleep. There's no point in saying "No" all the time. Sometimes you can say yes, and for a moment, one of you has won that battle. My hubby forgets that he doesn't always have to win the war of wills...

[Chris]

I always think "he's not going to be 15 and still xxxx" as in 15 and still not eating with a fork, or sleeping through the night, or banging his head on the floor.
At some point they do figure it out.

[CM]

Second "he's not going to be 15 and still..." And, similar to Amy's, I'll catch myself thinking, "Oh, stop being such a baby!" Then I have to laugh because I realize how ridiculous it is, given that he's under two.

My mantra is, "When he's a teenager I'll miss every moment of this." It helps me slow down and appreciate even the most frustrating times.

[Jenni]

I try the comedic approach....especially for Tantrums and meltdowns....I say to myself; Hmmmm, wasn't that unique!

[Nutmeg]

I think I may have adapted my mantra from something I read of hedra's, but maybe not.

Whenever things are over the top, I think to myself... "He doesn't know how to be a person yet! My job is to help him learn." I just remind myself of that, and I usually get a lot less angry about things. This probably won't work when he's 7, but at 2, it is PERFECT.

[kellyache]

You know what gets me through 'those' moments when all is falling apart? It's a quote I read a few months back: "The days are long, but the years are short." If I can swill coffee while whispering this to myself, so much the better.

[Auspicious]

"It's when they're the least lovable that they need the most love."

[Stacy]

Two I picked up from "The Happiness Project" blog: "The Days are Long but the Years are Short" (cherish the moments, because thouh they seem long at the time, they really do go quickly) and "Your attitude informs the group" -- that last one means that YOU set the tone for whether the family starts the day tired, grumpy, stressed - or lighthearted, happy, eager... Take 5 minutes and shift your attitude, when you are happy and bright-eyed, the children will pick up on it and shift their attitudes as well. You can even practice this with them - "let's shift our attitudes! Then make grumpy faces turn into smiling ones, make slow movements turn into jumping up and down, etc." If your own parents ever told you that you needed and attitude adjustment, then they were probably right...LOL

[hedra]

I'm going to crib a bunch of those. (and Nutmeg, yeah, something like that - it's all new to them in ways it isn't new to us.)

[Michael]

"In a few years she won't want to know me."

[RB]

In those times that I am tired and my 2yr old son wants me to read that book again or as always it is my turn to do the night time routine (which is only 30min long but sometimes seems hours when you are tired and haven't had a moment to your self all day) I tell my self that some day he won't let you read a book to him, some day he won't be able to sit on your lap, someday very soon he will think he is all grown up and he will be kicking me out of his room. Enjoy it while it lasts as it all goes by in a flash.

[Adrienne]

I have two:

"A little crying never hurt anybody," which is perfect for meltdowns, both of the kid and parental variety.

"Is this the hill you want to die on?," which is a good question to ask before you get involved in a battle over something inconsequential.

[Tim]

One that I occasionally bring to mind is, "if it was good enough for me." I feel like I had a pretty comfortable childhood, so I turn to that as a baseline in two ways:

1. Sometimes I feel disappointed in not being able to afford certain things or experiences. In particular, my wife and I are anxiously saving up for a larger house with more space in and out. Then I remember that my brother and I spent our first years in military housing with cramped quarters and roach infestations, yet I always think of those years with nothing but fondness.

2. On the flip side, I want very much to share some of my favorite experiences from childhood with my own children. It delights me to no end that my son is fascinated by my old toys (most of which are still on shelves!), loves reading and enjoys going to the same amusement parks and museums I with which I grew up.

[Matt]

"Whatever works" as in, I try to be flexible and try something else and not get too hung up on whether it's the right or best or approved solution. Especially because what helped her get back to sleep at 3am the last time probably won't work the next time.

[Greg]

No blood, no foul.

[Brian]

It's hard for them, too. Being a kid and learning our rules and expectations isn't easy.

[Catherine]

I have three:

"Don't believe the hype." This was given to me in a completely different context, but it still applies here. Freaking out because J isn't doing X yet at Y months? He's probably fine. Wondering if we should jump on the Parenting Bandwagon Du Jour? Eh, maybe, maybe not.

"This is very much a First World problem." Used for a reality check that says yes it's hard, yes this sucks, but in the larger scheme of things, we have it pretty damn good. Very humbling, this one.

"What would N do?" N is my little sister, and one of many parenting role models but the one I know best. How would she handle whatever J is doing right now? (Don't know? Pick up the phone!)

[marci]

i second 'the hours are long but the years are short', but the one i stick to, sometimes with gritted teeth, is one i got from 'askmoxie' - 'by any means necessary'. i'll fix his paccy addiction someday, but he's sleeping *right now*, ain't he? :)

[Katie B.]

"whatever works" is the first one - reminding me not to judge either my or anyone else's choices (before I know the story, anyway ;) ).

The second is my usual flip answer when people ask how we're getting along (most recently with my 5mo and the 4yo I'm babysitting) - "well, we haven't killed each other yet." If we're all still alive at the end of the day, it can't have been that bad!

This looks like a great site! Found it through hedra. :)

[Marita]

One my friends at the Unaboard taught me "This to shall pass".

A struggle to hold onto during moments like yesterday when I'd had no sleep, no coffee and my 3yo screamed for an hour because I parked in the wrong spot at the shops (times when you just don't even bother trying to go shopping).

But it too passed and today is a new day and there has been sleep and there is coffee.

[Christy]

"This too shall pass" is one of my favorites as is "Pick your battles," but the one I'm really focusing on right now is "I have a choice in this situation." I've been using it for times like when we're running late, the baby just poured water on himself (from the toilet, undoubtedly), the 3 year old can't find her shoes, the 5 year old has decided that this is the moment she must have my utter and complete attention to watch her latest dance moves, and it's all just about too much for me to take. So I've been reminding myself that I actually do have a choice about what we do. I can choose to holler and get everyone grumpily out of the house. I can choose to be late and stop and watch the 5 year old's performance. I can choose to let the 3 year old wear rain boots to preschool. I may not like all the options, but as long as they're safe, I do have a choice, and that alone makes me feel more in control of the situation.

[Melanie]

At risk of sapping it up...my mantra would have to be "I love you no matter what" - it's easy to get wrapped up in the stress of the moment but really what matters is I love my son and everything else fades in importance.

[Suki]

Be true and be brief.

[Evan Young]

No Bubble Wrap! A little dirt doesn't hurt (might even help), mismatched socks don't hurt and yes Billy can walk down the street to his friends house, knock on the door and ask if Timmy can come out to play.

[Naomi]

I have two wonderful, very challenging boys who just turned 2 and 3. It often feels like we have the sharing/take turns/don't hit-push-throw conversation every few minutes.

Mantras? I'm not sure I have them.

But I do a great deal of deep breathing.

I have very clear in my mind that they need me to model calm and quiet (even when saying I'm frustrated) in order to for them to learn how to do the same.

Finally, I remember that many children play their parents like a video game... they just like to push buttons and get an exciting reaction, even if it's a negative one. Don't reward them with big reactions to poor behavior. Very boring discipline can work the best. They hate that. ;)