Birthday party guidelines for sane parents

Hedra's new-ish mom friend asked her for tips on birthday parties to help her stay sane. Here's what she told her:

Birthday parties under age 3 (certainly the first birthday) are for the grownups more than the kids. At 3 years old, our rule is one child per year of age. We keep the invite list to that number, knowing 25-50% won't be able to come. I'm perfectly happy with the smaller number, provided at least one guest can make it. It keeps the focus on the guests rather than the gift extravaganza, too. We have the same rules for in school. We don't invite the entire class, they have to choose a subset to invite. It is possible to make the 'big year' party (see next tip) a whole-class invite, but the timing is limited for that - it seems K through about 3rd grade is about it in our area. After that, it is close friends only.

Pick a year cycle that you can live with, or specific birthdays to celebrate 'big'. We do 5 years, my little sister does 3 years (both ways of making sure there isn't more than one 'big' birthday per year, and also ways of toning down the BIG PARTY emphasis without eliminating it entirely). This is the basis of the sweet 16, really - that was 'the' birthday to celebrate, as the last year of 'childhood' for girls. Pick whatever, but don't do it 'big' every year.

Instead of inviting lots of extended family to the 'kid party', try having family (just parents or parents and select doting relatives) take the birthday child out for dinner. Or take her out for lunch and then to a bookstore for shopping. Or to lunch followed by musuem or zoo trip (experience over 'stuff!').

Party 'goodie bags'. For some reason, it has become improper to have anyone leave the party without 'getting something' to take home. Instead of the (currently ubiquitous) cello bag of cheap stuff from the dollar store and candy my kids can't eat anyway, we've opted to have the birthday child share something they enjoy.

For Bren's 'Pony Rides' party (the last 'big' one for him), the kids took home books about horses or cowboys, wrapped in bandanas and pinned with a sherrif's badge.

For Gabe's 10th birthday, it wasn't by theme, but by his interest in general. He loves reading, gem collecting, and his favorite treat is chocolate. So, each child got a book he'd picked out for them (we go to the used bookstore for these - anyone who minds a used book isn't usually on his list of pals, but the Scholastic Book Club could be used if you plan in advance), a handmade paper bookmark that explained why he'd picked that book for them, and a small collection of crystal chips with a guide to the ones they got. For the 'treat' aspect, we put in some of the chocolates. It cost me about $50 total for the entire set. Maybe more than the dollar store would have been, but not insane, especially as only 10 kids were invited in the first place. And it reflected who he was, rather than being just 'more stuff'.

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What are your birthday party "rules"?

Related: Lots of great birthday ideas in the Holidays/Special Occasions archive

Comments

[Sonia]

Another good tip is to use cupcakes (they have cupcake "cakes") instead of a regular cake, and those little cups of ice cream instead of a big tub of ice cream. It makes it much easier and faster to pass it out to each kid, and it's MUCH less messy.

[mamaloo]

For thank you gifts to the kids on the way out the door we do one lollipop and one toy for the treasure chest (bag of toys we've bought). This cuts down on the loot bag madness and gives kids some control over what they choose.

[lb]

My daughter went to a party for which the invitation requested no gifts - everyone was instead asked to bring a wrapped book. At the end of the party, instead of goodie bags or present opening, each kid got to open a book that someone else brought and take it home as their favor. It was great! The birthday girl was only 4 and has since caught on to the birthdays=presents concept so they haven't been able to do it since, but it was great while it lasted. I wish I had thought of it sooner for my daughter!

[Meredith]

I have a 5th birthday coming up in June. It will be her first "big birthday" party that all of her friends have had. She chose one of those giant inflatables places to have it, which is fine with me.

Since there will be 25 kids, I had a hard time with the gift bags, because I am annoyed that it is almost expected these days. I went with bubbles ($2.15 for a 6 pack) and made sure they were in recyclable containers.

We will be making our own invitations and matching stickers to go on the bubbles, reminding each guest to recycle the bottle when they are done.

Good idea with the milestone big birthday!

[RK]

I think this is so sad. Parties are for running around, cakes, ice cream, and yes, gift bags with candy and trinkets. Trips to the museum and bookstore should be everyday events not special events.

[shirky]

where are birthdya party guidelines for lazy parents?

my mom would pay a teenager ten bucks (i'm old ok) to make up games and make sure the kids stayed in the yard.

[Margaret]

A great favor idea is chocolate lollipops. I learned how to make them for my son's first birthday and now that's my standard party favor. You can get a mold to match any theme (and only for like $2) and it's a treat everyone can enjoy. It's also a fun activity for the birthday child to help with. A good tip -- buy plastic squeeze bottles, melt the chocolate in the microwave and have your child just squeeze into the molds.

To add some pizazz, print out little tags with the birthday child's name and tie them around the lollipops, or just use ribbon. (To make it really easy just wrap them in small sandwich bags, not the zip shut kind, and seal with a twist tie.)

[Caitlin]

Birthday parties are a lot of fun for me to plan. I love trying to stretch my imagination to match my budget (generally small). We have rented out a rock climbing gym and given "rock" music CDs as favors. I've concocted elaborate treasure hunts through the botanical gardens in which the treasure was the goodie bag (mostly pirate related items). We had a backyard carnival where tickets could be turned in for prizes (temporary tattoos, gently used stuffed animals, etc.).

My pre-schooler shared his fourth birthday party with two other classmates. We invited the whole class. A few parents got together and bought each birthday kid one special gift instead of 4 inexpensive gifts, It was a wonderful idea because it cut down on the "stuff." One of the other birthday moms has an embroidery business, so our favors were baseball hats with the number 4 on them.

Creativity trumps pre-packaged any day.

[hedra]

Oh, RK, you missed the point!

Bookstore and museum trips ARE regular and frequent events for my kids. As are meals out.

It's making it a special trip with the grandparents and child that is the point, here.

The kid parties are for running around and cake and such, indeed. But the older family members don't tend to enjoy that, much (at least not once they get to where they're a bit less resilient). Adding on an EXTRA family event that they can enjoy together is the point.

Perhaps I should have been more clear - it's either the child takes the grandparents to somewhere the child loves (to introduce them to it), or the grandparents find a place that they love to take the child (that is something that becomes their ritual together), or they do something else together as their own 'thing'. It isn't 'in place of running around' and it isn't 'because you never get to go otherwise'.

Certainly, my kids spend plenty of time with family at such places. But it is also somehow really special to be taken to the bookstore JUST with grandpa, just the two of them. And family dinner out with the entire family - extended family included - is also quite special, I think. It doesn't mean that's the only time they eat out!

Anyway, wanted to clarify that for RK, since it apparently didn't translate (since I wrote this for a friend, there were a lot of assumptions that she already knew how we live, and that my kids act like they OWN the major local musuems, they spend so much time there... and just try to walk past a bookstore with these guys! Unheard of! LOL!).

[hedra]

Heh, shirky... those are the other four years. (minus the teenager, haven't had one handy, but I'm going to remember that one!)

[wndl]

for my daughter's parties, we go around the goodie bag (which i hate!!!!) by having the kids do a craft, which they then take home. the kids actually remember them from years past!

[Stacey]

We just don't do parties. The birthday boy gets to choose an activity and a meal (usually they choose a restaurant). They can choose any activity - this year one chose to go to the Baltimore Aquarium (which is almost 3 hours away, so not an everyday activity) another asked to go to Great Wolf Lodge. We take cupcakes to school on their b-day (one in Jan & one in Oct). That is it. As they get older, depending on the activity, they can bring a couple friends along.
Parties stress me out, so unless they specifically ask for one, I'm not offering it.

[Elizabeth Hosto]

For my son's last birthday (3 yrs old) I had no idea what to do for the "goody bag" I was tired of throwing away small cheap toys and knowing my son's friends parents I knew they were too so I finally came up with a solution, I went to Baskin and Robbins and got gift certificates, they come in 2 dollar increments and each kid got one certificate. Much easier than goody bags and just as cheap, plus the parents liked the fact they had no cheap toys to break and throw out later!

[Nooshi Robertson]

I've got to second RK. I'm sure you have a rich and wonderful life, but it sounds like this article (and others like it) are always trying to put a damper on all-out fun crazy creative parties.

I guess I take issue with the word "sane". As if you'd have to be crazy to have more than a few children over for a cupcake.

Sorry kid, this is not a celebration, we are obligated to recognize your day, and therefore are searching the internet to find out how we can get away with the bare minimum. We are clinging to the 1 child for every year of life rule. Why? Because even though you play with 25 kids with glee every day in preschool, and have other circles of friends outside of your school, we’re clinging to an old fashioned notion that small children are not comfortable in large groups.

My party "rules"? NO RULES- IT'S A PARTY- have fun and relax and stop trying to find ways to cut the excitement.

[Brandy]

My main problem with the idea of going out to eat or somewhere fun with the grandparents is that we do that at least once a month. My parents are divorced and we see the great grandparents often as well, so just taking the kiddos out wouldn't seem much different for them. (My parents are our sitters and they love to take them places)

I really enjoy the putting together of a party as well as the fun had there.

I can understand the distaste for the little toys or candies in gift bags to go but honestly it doesn't have to be much. (and it doesn't have to be cheap dollar store stuff either. )

For my boys friends that come to the party, I make a batch of dry cookie mix and put it in little plastic tubs that are decorated in the theme of the party. (This year its pirates!) That way the child gets something that they can do with their parents, plus after the tubs empty the kiddo can store his/her treasures in it. (I'm on the hunt for little plastic treasure chests this year.)

My boys go to a a small Mothers Day out program so other than the cousins they have that are their age there are only a few other kids.

I don't know, I just feel like my parents made my birthdays a blast as a kid (and my sisters as I was old enough to remember just about every one of hers) without making me feel like my birthdays were all about gifts. So I want to do the same for my boys.

[marci]

while i see the point that it's a party - absolutely! - i think the 'sane' side has a valid point, too. nothing wrong with blow-out bashes, but to take 20 3 year olds to mcdonald's or the skating rink or the moon walk place is overkill. there will be more melt-downs than just the ice cream. the first 'rule' of a party is 'people have fun', so thinking what your child and your child's friends can handle should be the second.

i think in many neighborhoods, it's all about the competition, and that's what i think is wrong.

[Marita]

Great tips once again from Hedra.

For my daughters 5th Birthday recently we asked the guests not to bring gifts, instead to bring old towels and blankets to donate to our local cat protection society - http://leechbabe.wordpress.com/2008/05/04/kittens-2/

My daughter was so thrilled to do this and donate the towels and blankets and is already talking about doing it again when she turns 6.

Last year our youngest was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome. For her 3rd birthday in January we gave each family a copy of the book "All Cats Have Aspergers Syndrome" to take home instead of a lolly bag.
http://www.amazon.com/All-Cats-Have-Asperger-Syndrome/dp/1843104814/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1210894188&sr=8-1

A book is something they can keep forever and this book helps them to understand more about the birthday girl and where she is coming from.

[Charisse]

We were required to invite the whole preschool class (18 3-5 year olds) to my daughter's recent 4-year-old bday. We could have skipped a party, but she really wanted one...and the families with multiple kids wanted to bring siblings (reasonable) so we ended up with 21 kiddoes of partying age (& a few more 1 year olds who didn't get into the activities or favors). Sooo...not sure if sane really comes into it, but we had it at a public park, got cool but not expensive kites for everybody from the internet, which doubled as activity AND favors (and gave out a few lollipops and tattoos at the end), made a big batch of bubble stuff and had intensive "running around like banshees" along with hot dogs and a cake. Honestly, we were absolute toast afterwards, but a good time was had by all including us. (And we did separate out the grandparent stuff because, well, they weren't up for 21 kids running around like banshees and they wanted more special time with the birthday girl.)

Anyway, I guess I'm in favor of moderation in all things...not excluding moderation itself, and as long as it's not about more, bigger, fancier for its own sake.

[Suz]

For my son's 5th birthday, instead of goodie bags, he and I worked together to create a "mix tape" of his favorite songs (I burned them on a CD). He could actively participate in choosing the songs that he likes best and that he wants to share with his friends, and he helped me with the cover design. We had fun doing it.

[Monera Mason]

Okay I am soo anti goodie bags. Last party(Isabella's 3rd) we had a Pollock Party(some parents were confused) and the kids took home canvas board that they made. They were small 5 by 5 squares, strewn on large sheets of paper. Instead of thank you's I bought a Warhol camera and took sun pop shots of the kids.

[phyllis]

i think the conversation about sane vs. fun is really the crux of the problem. i know so many people who think it's going to be fun and/or simple to rent a gym or go to a big bouncy place and then hate it. i want us *all* to have fun, my birthday child as well as my husband and i. usually that means low-stress and not too many kids, preferably ones whose parents will hang out with us while we throw the party. i do stick to the one-kid-per-age rule not because i'm not "fun" but because i think it makes more sense to share your birthday with you friends rather than mere acquaintances/classmates.

(plus i bake the cake. very important!)

[Rob O.]

Several of you touched on the issue but it worth addressing in greater detail - and by sheer coincidence, I blogged about this just last month...

There's a disturbing trend towards increasingly extravagant children’s birthday parties. Regular folks like you & me are going nuts with these things - renting a traveling petting zoo, reserving private time at a water park, a block party complete with a DJ spinning kids’ music - and these fandangos are costing hundreds of dollars or more!

No disrespect to those who choose to do so, but these otherwise well-meaning parents are sure making it tough for us mere mortals who really can't afford these blowouts. But more importantly, I just don't believe it's necessary to go that far over the top on a child's (or anyone else's for that matter) birthday. Great and memorable birthdays don't need to be the result of excessive spending and massive productions. It's about experiences.

[j]

I had the best party for my kiddo last year -- a ride-on toy round-up. Everyone brought their own ride-on toys and bikes. We had it at the park, and I invited about 40 kids, because he's in two different pre-school programs PLUS friends. We had peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches and chips and juice, cake, and the favor was a red bandana. My entire expense was about $100, and I'm still being told it was the best party they's been to.

[Suzy Martyn]

Some ideas that help our family to keep perspective and have fun:

-before the party, take a collection of gently used toys from their toyroom and donate to a charity

-write a thank you BEFORE playing with any gift
(great habit even for adults!)

-for some parties, we've asked for no gifts and said if they wanted to bring a gift to donate to a charity, that would be great! we made a little collection and my daughter delivered them herself. she was very proud.

Another thing that has helped our family reduce stress and make it more meaningful is to talk to our children about what they really want. Usually it's much simpler than you might imagine. One year I was playing with different thematic ideas for a party that were a little elaborate and my daughter said, "Can we just have a swim party and eat hotdogs?"

[Mom101]

This year I was so freaked out about the kids having nothing to do (I suck at kids parties) we got each kid a color-yourself birthday card from http://stubbypencilstudio.com (they come in packs) and a small box of crayons so they could just color their own birthday cards for my daughter - or keep them. Either way.

Of course we had enough fun that the kids took the cards home with them. But I figured the parents would appreciate it more than candy.