What do you do if your child hoards toys? Talk amongst yourselves.

Longtime reader (and hack contributor) Amberlynn passed this scenario along from her sister. She wonders: WWPD? What would Parenthackers do?

My dear little M, the most angelic baby I've ever had, did a Jekyl and Hyde thing as soon as she turned two. We've made it through so far but she's doing a thing now that I haven't faced before and am not sure how to manage.

You know how a toddler will claim a toy as "MINE!" and heaven help the poor soul who even looks at it? Well, she's four and she's become an overblown caricature of this. She'll fill a backpack, or sack, or basket with toys and just carry them around. She rarely plays with the toys, just hoards them. As soon as E [her little brother] comes around she tries to take away whatever he has and add it to her trove. If you look at something she had in her horde three days ago she shrieks "MINE!!!"

She makes me laugh (when I'm not crying), her hands are so full of stuff that she can't do anything. She can't eat because she doesn't want to let go of her trove. She can't climb the stairs because she's so weighed down. I've stopped bathing her at the same time as E because she spends all her time taking away his toys and making sure they are floating on her side of the tub. Not playing with them, just keeping them away from him. Good grief.

We have a "no toys at the table" rule. I'm going to start rewarding her every time I see her share something. I need some creative ideas for how to teach her not to be selfish. I think for family night I'll make up a story of a selfish dragon that misses out on all kinds of good things because she's too busy guarding her hoard. I'm looking forward to hearing your ideas.

Ooooo, a toughy, because, in my experience, kids seem predisposed toward hoarding vs. sharing (mine were, at least). Which is not to say "give up" or "there's nothing you can do." Of course not! Just that, for some kids more than others, this will be a long-term lesson.

I do think it helps to encourage the positive as much as possible, tempting as it is to punish the negative. I say this not because I'm against discipline or the word "no," but because your life will simply feel too oppressive if you're continually scolding, and it won't change anything in the short-term. I think a reward system is a great idea. Here's a past hack on the topic: How to use a star chart.

We have a rule in our house that everything in common areas in the house (including each kid's personal toys that get left out) must be shared. If necessary, we set the timer for 5-minute turns. (Ah, the timer. How I love the timer.)

We like the Little Critter book Me Too! for its clear illustration of the Golden Rule...perhaps some books on the topic of sharing?

This is such a big topic -- how do you teach your kids to share more and hoard less?

Comments

[Duane]

Wow, I thought my 3yr old was bad :). She just hoards on the fly, meaning that whatever she can hold in her hands, she will. All day long. She'll only put them down after saying "And don't let B get them!" or "And right after I'm done I can have them back!" I'm tempted to let her go potty without letting go of her Little Mermaid action figure just to see what happens, but I can't bring myself to do it. The other day, half an hour after dinner, she presented me with a dirty fork. Seems that in her hurry to reclaim her toys she'd taken the fork with her, without even realizing it, and had been walking around the house holding it since then.

We do have a game called "Count how many toys E has?" where everybody guesses a number (including E) and then we take one toy away until we've counted them all (tiny hands can hold 7 toys?). This gives her a better understanding of quantity, and when she's carrying too many. So when we say "You can bring two toys in the car" she'll decide among the 7 and only bring the 2 she wants. This also works, to a lesser extent, with sharing -- "Ok, you have 6, so if you share 3 with your sister, then you both will have the same amount." Normally, unfortunately, this is met with a tearfilled math lesson trying to explain that no, her sister does not have more than her.

To sum up, I've got no great ideas, but I'm in the same boat. When I saw this topic come up I was hoping it would be loaded with hacks, but looks like I'm early :).

[Nathan]

That sounds like an emotional issue, that she is terrified of losing things as much as possessive of things, rather than a behavioral issue. I'd be worried if this kind of behavior was exhibited in our house -- my daughter's almost four.

Is there some way you can get to the reason for her hoarding? Addressing that (says the guy who is not a psychoanalyst at all) might be more effective than any reward/punishment system.

[Allen Knutson]

"We have a rule in our house that everything in common areas in the house (including each kid's personal toys that get left out) must be shared."

We do the same with our 2.3-year old, explaining "if you want to play with your cars and not share, you have to do it in your room with the door closed". Sometimes that's what he wants, and he goes and plays by himself for a while, freeing us up to play with the 10-month-old.

Recently, the elder has been excited by the hand-off game, where he gives a toy to his brother, waits a few seconds, and reaches out to be handed it back. Luckily the younger one likes this game too.

[Duane]

Age range does seem like it would be a factor. My hoarder is my middle one. My oldest does share - although she resents it, but that only makes sense, having gone from being the only child to being the one who more often than not has to give up a toy to her little sister. The baby, on the other hand, is a great sharer. When we say "Give that back to your sister" he does, pretty much every time. If he doesn't it's not because he's hoarding, it's because he wants to be chased down for it.

So I think my middle child perceives it from both sides - the older who does not want to share, even though she knows she has to, and the younger who, although he'll give it back, is very likely to grab a toy of hers and run away with it. We as adults know that it all works out in the end, but if all she ever sees with her 3yr old brain is that toys disappear when she puts them down, the solution ends up being don't put them down.

[Mike]

WooHoo! I'm not alone. My 2 year old is exhibiting the same hoarding instinct. It caused me to think about and write a blog post on materialism and how to break those "hoarding" habits. (Good timing considering this ParentHack article) I look forward to others opinions on how to stop these habits.

You can find the post at the link below. http://zendonut.com/wordpress/archives/23

[Anissa]

As I was reading your post I immediately thought of a childhood book series I loved by Stephen Cosgrove called Seredipity. They were short books that were much like Aesops fables, and taught life lessons. There was one in particular called "In Search of the Saveopotomus" that was about a "dinosaur" called the Hoardasaurus that is miserable because he is convinced someone will steal his "treasures" if he stops watching them. So he sets off to find the Saveopotomus as he can solve his problem. As you can guess along the way he learns the value of sharing.
http://www.amazon.com/Search-Saveopotomus-reissue-Serendipity/dp/0843104295/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1208543207&sr=1-1
Another in that series is "Trapper" and is about a minstrel seal that teaches another "bigfoot-like" creature the value of sharing beauty with others.
http://www.amazon.com/Serendipity-Trapper-Books-Stephen-Cosgrove/dp/0843105941/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1208543547&sr=1-1

I recommend these two specifically as well the the series in general:)

[Lisa]

I think it's tempting to "worry" about this, thinking that it's indicative of some long-term personality trait or that she has some deep-seated emotional needs leading to this behavior -- but I think that the most helpful thing you can do here is to just keep reminding yourself that none of that is true, she's just a kid being a kid, and it's going to pass.

[Ln]

I agree with Lisa. Figure out what the "rule" is about hoarding/sharing (I think I'd be inclined to limit hoarding to some number of toys) and enforce it calmly and consistently. I bet the phase will be over before you know it.

[NorthJerseyDad]

My son is 2 and walks around saying "Mine" but everytime he does it we still remind him that its nice to share. Whenever he's playing with other kids we remind him to share. Of course, his concept of sharing lasts for about 2 seconds after which he wants the toy back. We keep reminding him to share and deal with the mini-tantrum that follows. It was hard in the beginning but he's gotten much better at it lately.

[NorthJerseyDad]

Oh yeah...check out http://northjerseydad.blogspot.com

[Amanda]

Wow, I thought I was the only one. The bathtub story really hit home for us! We designated that each person has some 'special things' (I have my iPod and laptop, Josie has certain snugglers and art supplies, etc) and that others may not play with them. Everything else is fair game. This helped a LOT. At Christmas we got them each one 'special thing' toy and all the rest were sharing toys (actually addressed to both of them!). I hope this helps you--I know how rough a day with those kids can be!
librarycollective.blogspot.com

[Neal Patrick]

My wife came up with the brilliant sharing rule that the sharee must sing the "ABC" song, and once the song is over, the sharer has to turn over the toy.

Now there have been some times where the two kids go back & forth with the "ABC" song a few times before somebody gets sick of the hassle in getting the toy back, but overall it has made sharing must less painful for the parent (especially if we don't have a timer around!).

[Lisa]

My little boy is almost 2 and is getting to the point of not really wanting to share, even with me. So, when he tells me "no" (that I can't color with a crayon, for example) I just get up and tell him that Mommies do not like to play with little boys when they won't share.

I am always tempted to overlook bad behavior when it is directed at me, but I know that is not doing him any favors. What I want my boy to know more than anything is that our actions always have a reaction-either positive or negative.

[Joel]

Our 3 year old boy, J, has a horrible time sharing his trains. While the other toys might be snatched or claimed from time to time, the trains are always a J-only items. One thing we've started doing is, when we know friends are coming over to play, J has the option of putting the trains away so no conflict arises.

[Christy]

I think I saw the best hack in a parents type magazine - it may be a little old for your kids, but some wise parent decided to end all fighting by assigning each kid a day and on that day that kid got priority, so say your older child gets every even day, on those days she can take the toys she wants, and on odd days her brother gets them.

It works more for 'who gets to pick the side of the car' type thing, but I think the principle is the same. If you set out limitations and rules and follow through it should get better.

[Christy]

Also forgot to mention that our 1 & 3 yo both get their own one special toy that nobody else is allowed to play with unless given special permission.

Making a child this age share their toys is like making you let that strange guy down the street use your car.

We also very firmly establish that whenever a new toy enters the house whether it's a 'my' toy or an 'our' toy. If you can't share the toy, it goes into toy jail for a day. If you can't share the toy after it gets out of toy jail, it gets removed for a week and so on and so forth. If it causes physical fights, the toy goes into the garbage (later to be retrieved and recycled for some other unsuspecting family). I think we've only set one toy in the trash and it immediately came out with a 180 change in behavior. Now just the threat is enough to stop it.

[yikesaroni]

I know this is a little too late for most of you, but our method has worked so far for my 2.75 year old. Although he has a HUGE vocabulary and is VERY verbal we have never taught him the word "mine". He understands taking turns because we've done it with all his life (with everything)--even if he doesn't always like it and so far, no hoarding issues. I'm not holding my breath though!

[Katy]

Children do like to have a sense of security, and hanging onto things gives them a sense of control. I think it's a stage of life where they need to be reassured of their importance and place in the family. Ok, I am no psychoanalyst, but that makes sense to me. We adults do the same, don't we? We find security when we can "hoard" a big bank account, which is just a different "toy".

While this is not an on the spot solution, I think a good thing to do is for parents to have a "date" with each child separately, and regularly, without the other siblings around. For example, once a month, you go to Denny's with one child, leaving the others with the babysitter. This individual time gives your child your undivided attention, and lets him/her know that he/she is valuable and secure.

And it's fun too!

[Lyric Kinard]

OK... original questioner here. M is my fourth child and I've certainly seen a lot of this behavior before among my two year olds. She's much older and much worse. drama queen about everything else too.
I appreciate your comments and am actually thinking about what might be causing this. I'm going to try spending a little more positive time with her and give her a little more power to choose other areas of her life. I do believe a date is in order.
I remember the Serendipity books! I even had one of them until a few years ago when my son went through a "tear books apart" stage.
I've always had a rule about "if it's causing screaming the toy is going to disappear so you might want to work it out" rule. I think I'll add a hording limit too.

Again - thanks!

[Monera Mason]

I dont think it is an emotional issue as someone said. Also I would not worry. There are more children in the home, if you have siblings who take away toys from you, it could cause hoarding.

My youngest hoards and it is because her older sister is a taker. We limit the amount she can hoard by providing a container for them. So she can have as many things as fit in a small mesh bag. Then she is only carrying a small bag, and only a few things go in there.

Personal property rights helped a lot on this. The do have toys that are theirs, and they are theirs no matter what.

Also we have trade negotiations about common toys. If they are fighting about one toy but are playing with a number of them. I have them line of the toys each of them is playing with, and put the contested one in the middle. Then they go into a monopoly mode where they each offer the other something/s in order to take the toy. The first trades were really formal, now they like the trade process so much they do it on their own.

[Rachel]

I've found children are most willing to share if their property is respected. If they know what "mine" truly means and their toys are not forcibly shared or taken, they respect others property too. For example, that toy is E's just like x is yours or that toy is Mommy's and Mommy decides what happens with it, just like you decide what happens with your toys. It's the way the real world works. It's honest. It's respectful. It sets the foundation for sharing without any issues of resentment or self-esteem involved.
(Side note, I think it's easier for kids to learn with parents, but they can also learn the consequences of not sharing with friends. The friends don't want to come over etc. It can be a great idea to go around together and put toys that are "too special" away before friends arrive. If the child tries to put everything away, it's a great opportunity for a discussion of which value they want more (friend play or solo play with all their toys). It's amazing how powerful this can be at promoting both self esteem and friendliness.)

[kittenpie]

The timer rule can work well. But in our house, anything that you don't want to share goes away, so no one gets it. It's simply not fair to have a toy and flaunt it and not let the other person have a turn. Soon my girl will have a sibling, a younger sibling by a good few years, and then I will institute the rule that if there are things that are just hers, she must keep them IN HER ROOM or they are fair game. There will be toys that naturally fall into the just-hers category by way of being too small for a younger child, as well as special things like her loveys, which she wont' be asked to share, but then she can't be having them out where they will cause jealousy either.

[Heather]

I'm not sure if this has already been mentioned or not but we put the toy in "time out" if there is an issue. Usually one warning is all it takes for the kids to work out their differences, otherwise the toy goes up on the fridge for a while.

[Lemon]

I love the toy time out - it works much better than putting the child in time out in our house. FWIW, telling my 3yo that he has to pick one toy, and share it with his brother works wonders. For him, hoarding is a control thing, so he gets to control what he shares while still having to share. Granted his brother is too young to really care what he's getting, so I don't know if it applies to you or not. GL!

[twinmom]

With twins or siblings close in age, this strategy would work. The argued over toy gets a time out (ditto any toy that is thrown or whacks someone); before it goes away the kids are given the choice "can you work out how to share the toy or do I take it away?" and this reduces toy time outs as well as instilling cooperation. For the original hoarder, what if there is a designated small basket she can fill up with her stuff and that is "hers" for the time being? If it overflows she has to make choices. I think kids don't have to share everything but they can't be greedy.

[Sandy]

I was the second child amongst 4 cousins brought up together. I was a hoarder and I recall our parents would allow us all to pick 1 toy to claim as our own. Everything else had to be shared. Worked great. Same rule works great with my son. And then of course, we ask that he takes turns with his cousin and little sis.

[JeanneE]

My two (daughter 5 and son almost 4) share well with the help of a timer (I couldn't run the house without that timer ;-) As for toys, neither of mine really hoard them, but as soon as one has something, the other wants it. Pretty normal I think, so I don't worry too much about it. I just say that whoever had it first gets the first turn, and then I set the timer (yay timer :-)

[DramaMama]

We have a unique way to take turns. We cheer for one person who is using the toy, and then an adult decides when it's time to switch. The other person cheers, says good job, etc and the adult says it's time to switch. The toddlers (3 and under) in our playgroup love this! Sometimes they give up the toy early just to go and cheer the other person on. It cracks us up =)

[hedra]

No time to read comments, sorry!

We have a big issue with ownership at our house. That's one of the underlying issues with hoarding. (There's also security, transitional attachment, and the sense that one knows where to find something that is lost.)

Anyway, solutions for various factors involved here, at least for us.

1) LABELS. Ownership hoarding (this is mine!) was reduced significantly by the dear old sharpie (black for light objects, silver for dark ones). Just the initial, and we're set! That's MY horse. That's MY ball. That's MY frisbee. THey don't have to announce it and herd the toys together in one spot, because they can just look at the object and prove the case. It has an M, it's M's!

2) Coralling for 'family owned' objects. For things like blocks where owning it is just for as long as you're using it, the good old Montessori 'work rug' is fabulous. The rug is identified as theirs (either by color or label, we do by color - plain cotton roll up bathmat type mats), and anything on the rug is theirs until they're done with it. This is good for puzzles, block-building, reading, drawing, etc. If it is inside this space, it's MINE (at least for now!).

3) Toy library (look it up here, it's a hack) for the 'if I don't see it, I don't know if I'll ever see it again!' panic.

4) Patience with the transitional objects thing - our oldest was attached passionately to whatever he had last in his hands at that age. He was more sequential (being an auditory learner, I suspect the daughter in question is highly visual), so it was this, then that, then the next item. BUT, the behavior peaked around 4 - 4 1/2 or so, and then eased up gradually over the next few years, until at the end of Kindergarten, he didn't have much of a collection going on, and would forget about the things he hoarded before for spans of time. Granted, at 10 1/2, he's still very very fond of certain things, and is clearly aware of ownership boundaries, but they're workable levels of ownership, and they're not all bad (there are upsides to these traits - the kid is quite aware of saving up for the things he wants, and has a very nice gem collection going, all tied into that early acquisitive/ownership/hoarding thing.) And I admit I find it charming that he still has a soft spot for the favored blankie and stuffed toy from that era. They're good emotional skills, now that the OCD version has eased up with some maturity.

5) Security/anxiety. If there's any emotional security/anxiety involved in the hoarding, there are things you can do to help them develop the mental and emotional skills to handle those feelings. Check out the books "Your Anxious Child" and "Helping Your Anxious Child" (library copy or peruse in the bookstore unless you think there's a bigger issue - just that the ideas and hints and tricks help MANY kids, not just kids with clinical levels of security concerns). For G, there were many little things that helped - but a big one was learning through playing 'what if' games that if something was lost or handled by another, it wasn't automatically a catastrophe (despite us having taught him that all deviations from ideal were crises-waiting-to-happen... 'don't jump on that, you'll fall and break your leg' 'don't run in the street, you'll get run over by a car' 'don't spin around and around, you'll fall and hit your head and need stitches' 'don't mess with that, you'll break it' (etc) - they all taught that if you don't do EXACTLY what is required, a crisis will ensue - and then he thought that if he lost something, it would be certainly gone FOREVER... and the whole thing cycled the anxiety up on every subject as well... um, oops? :wince: Bad mommy habit. Sigh. Anyway, playing 'what if' is just taking any of those scenarios and playing a back-and-forth game of silly, real, extreme, non-extreme (etc.) answers to 'what if' - what if a bear got into our house? Think up enough answers, including both real and silly, and you'll create the idea that not everything outside our direct control is a recipe for disaster. Sometimes something GOOD could happen, even!)

Um, sorry, that was long. But that's another angle there - sometimes kids hoard because they're worried about what will happen if they DO NOT have absolute control of the items at all times. Learning that sometimes going with the flow and letting go has good results is a shock for some kids (mine, definitely), but it's a good lesson.

As for general sharing, there are so many ways to encourage that. We tend to forget two key items: 1) it takes them a while to decide it is okay to share, so we have to let them take their time deciding and not rush them, and 2) they share better if they look at each other and handle it together instead of looking at me and having me referee. Oh, and 3) they share more and better if I haven't been doing any of the subtle competitive stuff with them ('who will get their shoes on first?' 'who is getting buckled in the car first?' 'I'm going to brush M's teeth first' ... first = better, me vs. you, etc.), and instead have been doing collaborative work ('how can we help each other get buckled?' 'how can we help M get ready for bed?' 'how can we solve this problem together?').

Gotta run!

[Jo]

I have had a little of this - duaghter has just turned 2 and we have another due in 7 weeks, so suddenly become more away of how rubbish DD is at sharing when we have a peer over. A couple of things I notice:
1) She is much better at sharing her toys when there is more than 3 peers over - I think because she cannot keep an eye on/grab back everything and therefore relaxes about it and just enjoys herself. So may be worth trying out a few playdates with larger people to see if hoarding disappears a bit - and heap on the praise if so.
2) I am trying to remember to show DD how lovely sharing is eg "would you like to share Mummy's special pencils to draw with" "would you like to share Mummy's cheese/biscuit/storytime/walk with the dog" Namely if she values something and it can feasibly be described as sharing then demonstrating what it means to share. Then if I have to tell her to share her toys I have an example to give her of how she enjoys it. I am not doing in all the time, nor am I expecting instant/miraculous results, but am hoping it will help her understand the concept of sharing quicker - particularly as I am a stay at home mum so she is not at nursery/day care so on a day to day basis does not have to share anything.

[Renee]

Someone beat me :( That Stephen Cosgrave/Cosgrove book is really good - the one called In Search Of The Saveopotomus (sp?). We have it. I definitely think that book could help.
I don't have a daughter who hoards eg. holds onto toys all day or puts them in a bag. But whenever I try to get rid of toys that she doesn't even play with anymore she gets upset. I have to do it secretly when she isn't around LOL