When does parenting get easier?

Fascinating discussion going on at The Juggle about which parenting years are the hardest. I find myself crawling toward the end of my day, bone tired, and when I finally make it to bed, I'm asleep in minutes (my kids are 7 and almost 4). And yet, the tales of teenage years told by commenters make this time sound like a walk in the park. I find myself full of admiration for the people who, by the very act of raising their children, deal with some of the most elemental challenges one can face. I know parenting has pushed me to places I never thought I'd go.

One comment struck me in its bluntness and power:

When giving or receiving advice - be careful of attribution error. You kids may have turned out well in spite of you - rather than because of you.

Ouch. But true. How can we ever know how much is "us" and how much is "them?"

Comments

[Abel]

Isn't it fact of life? The grass is always greener on the other side...

[JT]

As a mom of three boys, ages 15 mos to 7 years, I find I'm always, always exhausted and near the end of my rope. I work outside the home, and though I love my two or three hours in the evening before the kids go to bed, I also do a little, guilty dance of joy when they're asleep and I can go to bed myself!

I share an office with a mom of four, whose kids are 15 and older, and who says that it definitely gets easier. She says she doesn't know how I do it. I wonder how the different kind of stress will affect me when I'm juggling teenagers and college tuition... I do think it's a matter of perspective.

That quote on attribution is brilliant. When our first son was born, he was incredibly good-natured and sweet until he got hungry, and then he turned into a raving lunatic. We asked the pediatrician at his 1-week checkup if he was going to stop being a sweet little baby, and she said "in my experience, most kids come out of the womb with the personality they're going to have." So we may affect their development (nature vs nurture, anyone?) but our kids have the seeds of their souls already implanted when they're born.

I'll consider myself lucky if all three of my kids make it to adulthood as nice people with some education, ethics and manners.... anything else is gravy.

[Derek]

For more on how much parents matter, read Freakonimics. The authors did some interesting research and basically concluded that it is more important WHO a parent is rather that what a parent DOES.

[hedra]

We 'seem' to be doing a great job with our kids - at least people comment on it a lot (despite our personal awareness of our litany of shortcomings!).

We basically reply with the same concept as the attribution quote - that who these kids are is due to them, not us. We're just trying not to break who they are.

Granted, not breaking them takes a lot more work than it might seem on the surface! WAY more work.

I also try to think in terms of tending... they've got the basis for their own shape and growth, my job is to tend that, not smother, not over-water, not overshadow, not overexpose... tricky to balance how much pruning at what age, how much something can be trained in any direction, and I'm always surprised that I don't have a clear picture of what shape they'll take in the next season, when they'll flower, when they'll go dormant... Shocking, at times, how much I cannot see until they show it.

Sigh. Hard work, confounding, wonderful.

And I also hang on to my mom's words from experience - She's answered the same two questions over and over through her parenting years: 1) Are you sorry you had so many kids (7), and 2) would you do it again if you could go back and do it over?

In toddlerhood and early childhood, the answers were No I'm not sorry, but No, I wouldn't do it again.

In our teen years, the answers were YES, I'm sorry, and NO WAY would I do this over again!!!! (!!!) (!!!)

But when we were all grown, and the last had passed safely into adulthood, and we had that final, terminal adult-to-adult relationship established (in all their variety and with all their issues), she answered again, YES, I'm so glad I did this, and YES, I'd do it all again, even the teen years, in a hot second. It is so worth every difficult moment, sleepless night, second-guessed decision, and moment of dismayed hindsight.

Some days, and especially when I am at MY worst (regardless of how the kids are doing), those words are all I have to hold onto... but they're enough!

[STLMom]

I don't have a lot of perspective on this yet (my kids are 4 and 6) but so far there has been one really significant moment when parenting became easier. That's when each baby started sleeping through the night and late enough in the morning so I could get a full night of sleep and feel like an actual human being in the morning, instead of a zombie.
I'm not looking forward to the teen years, when I will be losing sleep waiting for kids to come home late at night.

[mep]

My boys are 7 and 11 and I think I'm in a golden moment -- it's so easy! I know it'll get much harder when they're teenagers but my 11 year old still thinks I'm cool and funny, and my 7 year old still cuddles with me.

[Kevin]

My boys are 5, 3&1/2, and 2. My 2 older nieces came over for a visit not long ago and they were a great help around the house. They helped keep the kids entertained for a little while to give my wife and I a break from the constant need for entertainment. I think parenting will get easier as the kids get older, can do more and can help us parents out more.

For me, a book that really helped was Love and Logic: http://www.loveandlogic.com/
I felt like I had to be like my dad and be in control and lay down how everything was going to be done. It was an 'ah ha!' moment to me when I realized I could offer a couple choices that I could live with instead of controlling every choice they could make. If a child doesn't want to put on their coat on a cold day, I say, "Do you want to wear your coat, or carry it." I'd like them to wear it, but if they carry it and put it on when they get cold, I'm fine with that. At least they'll have it. It really helped me relax and have fun as a parent coming up with good choices and gave the kids at least an illusion of control over what they would do. They also learn responsibility and accountability for their choices and they learn when the price of mistakes is small.

[Stu Mark]

"Attribution error"

I like that, although my belief is that a parent should strive to ignore attribution, to focus all energy on what is best for the child. It's tough, and I'm human, and I have an ego. But I also have a goal to ignore my ego and propel my child to their dreams, whatever the cost, even if it's my pride.

[Loves Being A Mom]

I think all years are equally as easy or hard. When our children are newborns we worry that we will know how to care for them (especially first time mothers). Will we know what they want? What is that cry for? Is this fever too high? As they become toddlers we are forever in fear of them falling down stairs, knocking something heavy over etc. Then comes riding a bike without falling, the first day of school, getting picked last for the team, making best friends, losing best friends, getting good grades, getting a date, learning to drive, peer pressure, peer pressure, peer pressure, graduating high school, going to college, getting a job, making us grandparents..... the list of highs and lows throughout our childrens lives is enormous. My son is only 8 but my father who has three chilren (32, 30, and 26) says that you never stop worrying. In fact he worries more now than ever, not only about his kids, but now our spouses and children as well. Being a parent is hard no matter what age, sometimes you are plagued by physical exhaustion and other times by mental anguish, but at the same time it is the greatest blessing in the world. I wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING!

[Loves Being A Mom]

I think all years are equally as easy or hard. When our children are newborns we worry that we will know how to care for them (especially first time mothers). Will we know what they want? What is that cry for? Is this fever too high? As they become toddlers we are forever in fear of them falling down stairs, knocking something heavy over etc. Then comes riding a bike without falling, the first day of school, getting picked last for the team, making best friends, losing best friends, getting good grades, getting a date, learning to drive, peer pressure, peer pressure, peer pressure, graduating high school, going to college, getting a job, making us grandparents..... the list of highs and lows throughout our childrens lives is enormous. My son is only 8 but my father who has three chilren (32, 30, and 26) says that you never stop worrying. In fact he worries more now than ever, not only about his kids, but now our spouses and children as well. Being a parent is hard no matter what age, sometimes you are plagued by physical exhaustion and other times by mental anguish, but at the same time it is the greatest blessing in the world. I wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING!