A twist on "I'll count to three!"

Kaylen challenges the classic "I'll count to three!" parental threat:

When my son was little and I was teaching him to count, he realized that there are numbers after three. One day I told my son I would give him three seconds to stop something and, showing his early sarcastic tendencies, watched me as I counted "one.....two.....three...." and then he very sweetly kept counting: "four...five...six. etc." and then clapped his hands for remembering all the way to fifteen while I just stared. We teach our children how to count up, so counting to three from zero doesn't seem very "final" to them. 

At that point, I started counting down. To this day (he's a teen now!!), I can discreetly hold up three fingers when I see him do something across the room and he knows that he's on a short amount of time to stop doing something, or to get started doing something.

It's quite simple: I will give you three seconds to (insert desired action here). And then I hold up three seconds and count down, "three....two....one."  When he was little, he believed that there was nothing less than zero, so if I got down to one, I had no more counting to do and I would most likely take action.   

Tags: Discipline, Parenting

Comments

We do this with ours. If it's something that will take longer than the normal time (like getting back to our house from the neighbor's) instead of just counting slower we'll sometimes start at 5 or 10. Though sometimes if they at least ~start~ that's enough. Just recently did I start using the fingers as a substitute. It took them a couple times to realize what I meant but it's nice when we're in public and would prefer not to get ~everyone's~ attention.

[mamaloo, the doula]

We do this too and I find it works very well. Like the original poster, I just have to hold up three fingers and my almost 4 yo son jumps up and does what we ask.

[Jim]

When I was in high school my parents were foster parents for the military base we were living on overseas.

Most of the cases that we had come through our home were pretty troubled. Some in so much need of structure that they didn't rotate them out of our home until appropriate family stateside had been found or, barring that, effective adoptions had taken place (freaky and a whole story unto itself).

Anyway. My parents (and I did as well as I was the oldest in charge until they got home) used the countdown method for similar reasons. It also works for silent reprimands (showing the countdown on ones hand) as it is easier to discern than counting up.

It was important to be able to give silent reprimands as some of our charges were very damaged, making verbal reprimands potentially explosive or counterproductive. The thinking was that they needed to know they were in trouble, but the rest of the world didn't necessarily need to. It offered them a bit of dignity, even while under scrutiny, and they really responded to it.

It took the kids a while to get used to it (many had had no structure as we usually got abuse and/or neglect cases), but after a while it was like magic.

We also used the time-out chair (or "boring chair" as one of the kids called it). My family always engaged with each other, we played games, went bowling, played touch football and soccer and kickball and my Dad was amazing about teaching us all good sportsmanship (his mantra: "always congratulate a good play even if it wasn't from your team"). So when someone was in trouble they (just as we did while younger) were sidelined or put in the boring chair and had to stay there until our time was up. If they acted up while in the chair, they got the countdown and if they still hadn't stopped, one to five minutes was added.

It was excruciating for them (and us when we were little). You just want to be part of the action, so the sidelining stings. But over time it begins to work like magic.

An infraction earns a countdown warning. If not heeded, it leads to sidelining/time out. Generally that's it. The kid sits there until the initial time is up. A quick talk about why they were there to see if they understood. Maybe ask how they could avoid in the future... if the right answer isn't given, they could always say "stop what I was doing when I got the countdown." A hug. Then back to play with all being forgotten.

It always amazed me how much this worked.

It's rough at first, but it pays off in spades.

[hedra]

We count down from five. Someone once asked me what happened when we got to 1, that made my oldest snap into line so fast when the five fingers went up (silent reminder).

Nothing. We just got to one. Getting to one WAS the punishment, LOL!

Next child, different brain/personality, and we did have to use the timeout approach (at end of countdown), at times. A few seconds of timeout were horrible for him, so we kept it trimmed back. The only other consequence we use is that if you aren't doing it by 1, we'll *help* you do it. Gently physically moving their limbs to pick up their toys, for example.

We knew it was part of the family culture when the twins were about 18 months old, and someone said the word FIVE (in conversation), and Rowan piped up, 'for, free, too, UN!'

Three probably is a better place to start, though - I find that the kids don't start moving until three anyway, LOL! But they do get moving. My second will intervene in the countdown by saying 'NO COUNTING!' but he'll also usually then inform me of extenuating circumstances or conditions affecting his compliance (even just things he wants, like 'I really want to jump in the snow pile one more time before I get in the car, please, can I?'). Little negotatior, but the counting still *works* by getting his attention and focussing on helping solve the problem that he's not been solving ("mommy needs to go pick up your brother from school, and you are not in the car yet...").

[Sandy]

We do the countdown from 5 to 0 with a hand demonstrating with fingers. What has helped reinforce it has always been the reward of a hug and kiss at the end of the countdown. If the countdown does not work, we ignore for at least 1 minute and count again.

Funny story was when he actually started learning the numbers at 1 1/2, the teacher would count "1... 2... 3" and my kid would supplement with "3...2...1...0"

It took a few months to catch on as we started it when he just turned 1, and 5 to 0 seemed like a looong time. But 1 1/2 years later, I now warn sternly using his full name, and ask "What did Mom say?" Asking that question reinforces and usually when he repeats it right, he stops. Like this morning. "I want you to put that toy away and get in your car seat. What did Mommy say?" and I got: "Put it away" and scrambled into his car seat.

If that does not work, I resort to the count down and most times saying "5...4" will work. Other times, I actually get to 3 or 2 and he says "No counting Mom. I stop now" and comes over for a hug.

[hedra]

OOh, like the hug version. :)

[kirsten]

that's one of those 'duh' things. my kids do the continuing the counting, too.

[kirsten]

that's one of those 'duh' things. my kids do the continuing the counting, too. great idea!

[Andi]

Another variation on counting is not used so much for discipline but to emphasize a timed activity. I once saw a preschool group at a local play park and when the teachers wanted the kids to line up they called out, "Everyone in line. You have until we get to the letter 'P' and then we'll have time-out." The kids all said their alphabet as they got into line and the two stragglers ended up at the back of the line and after the teacher was done giving instructions she released everyone back to play and kept the stragglers on the sidelines for a couple minutes to remind them that they were late. It reinforced their alphabet lessons, and because the teachers don't always use the same letter, it doesn't have quite the same rhythm as counting.

[Jill]

I've used counting for my timeout "timer" with kids. I've told them to sit in the designated place and "count to 100" (or whatever seemed their age appropriate high limit). They feel in control of the length of the Time Out and it usually works.

[Spritzy]

I like it! (And not to be a big softie, but I enjoyed "Jim's" comments too. Nice to see families that "share the blessing of family" to those who've never felt it.)

I like the idea of the timeout chair and tacking on time if the behaviour doesn't improve. Much more politically correct than a spankin'!

[sanji]

We used to "help our little one by moving his limbs and helping him pick up his toys. But after a few times of that he thought it was a game and would not pick up unless we were holding his hand as he calls it.

[momma2mingbu]

Counting down.....

We've pretty much always counted down instead of up.....it's a better, more final, ending point because once you get to 1, they know there's nothing left!

My middle likes to "countdown" to turn out the light in her room at night as well. Gives her time to "prepare her space" before things go dark.

[Scott]

I love the idea. As a father of a special needs child, I can see where that would come in handy. Thanks for the tip.