Tell strong-willed toddlers what they should DO

Holly sent this hack to me with the subject line, "Parenting the Id." I get it, big time. I have a strong-willed child who used to be the strong-willed toddler Holly describes here. Her wise suggestion:

My 16 month-old girl is quite a handful. She's been described to me as "mischievous, jaded and too smart for her own good". Parenting her has made me a more creative person, out of sheer necessity. I've realized the past few months that the constant "Don't throw your food!", "Don't pick up that condom wrapper from the sidewalk!", "Don't dig in the trash can!", "Don't pick the neighbor's tomatoes!" only seem to encourage her to do exactly what I'm forbidding. It's almost as if she translates the "Don't" as "Hey, awesome. Go ahead."

Instead, we've started to tell her what TO DO. For instance, when she's about to pick up a cigarette butt on the ground, we say "Yucky. Step on it.". It redirects her action and becomes something she does every time she sees trash on the ground. Same for throwing food on the floor, "Put it on your tray." It sounds so simple, but it has changed our lives.

This concept also extends to taking dangerous objects away from her. When she gets her hands on the nail clippers or the infant Tylenol bottle, I pick her up and take her to where we're going to "put it away". She loves the involvement and never fusses (or realizes) that we're tricking her into putting it down.

Tags: Parenting, Toddler

Comments

[Charisse]

I'm a huge fan of this approach, having a similarly willful kid. Follow it up with bigtime praise for doing the right thing, and you will avoid a LOT of tantrums!!

[crazedparent]

love this!! i have been stuck in the "don't" rut with my very stubborn and, oh, "spirited" 18-mo. son. good reminder to try a more positive spin.

[Matt Haughey]

Brilliant simple advice. I realized early on that we were reinforcing bad behavior in this way because one of her first words was "No!" We've pretty much cut out use of the word "don't" but we need to work "No!" or "Whoa!" out of our vocabulary as well.

[Stu Mark]

Awesome indeed. Also, asking for their assistance proves worthwhile (most of the time). "Hey, would you help me put this medicine into the medicine drawer?"

[Adrienne]

Timely advice for our household. Thank you for sharing!

[Karen]

Great advice, though I guess I've just always done this intuitively. But I don't see this as being about whether a kid is particularly willful or not; most kids are just so incredibly visual -- if you give them a mental image that's negative ("Don't touch that!"), they'll wonder what it would be like. If you give them a positive one ("Keep your hands at your sides"), they'll be more likely to follow suit. This is especially good for potentially dangerous situations. I never say, "Don't run into the road!" I say, "Stay here on the sidewalk with me and hold my hand."

[hedra]

I got this same advice from my best friend (a Kindergarten teacher). She said that kids need to know what TO do - just saying what NOT to do leaves them too many options, and they either get confused/anxious or simply pick the most entertaining one at the moment. And if you say 'Don't do X', you've just given them an idea they might not have come up with otherwise!

[Barb]

I've been trying to get my husband to do this for years. And I'll usually rephrase one of his "don't"s (or one of mine that slipped ;-D) with a "do".

I realized this is what we needed to do when I read some of the self-help stuff out there. It explains that our minds don't "see" NO (don't, etc.). So when we say "Don't pick up that cigarette!", the child sees it in their mind as, "Pick up that cigarette!".

So don't save this advice just for your strong-willed children (and hopefully you all have strong-willed children - it's a good thing) - use it for all children, adults, and yourself. :-P

[Ashley]

I second Barb's comment and I'll follow up with a short anecdote. My two year old niece was retrieving a soda from a vending machine and Grandma told her "Don't shake that soda." To which niece immediately began shaking it. She was scolded for it and niece's reply was, "But Grandma, you TOLD me to shake it."

My son is only ten months old, but ever since I heard that story I have been trying to eliminate Don't and No from my vocab. It is suprising how often I used it before.

[HDC]

I saw this same recommendation the other day on a Discovery Channel show. The interviewed expert said that the concept of "don't" is very hard for toddlers to grasp which is why this approach works.

[Parent Hacks Editor]

Not that I have a problem with a well-placed "no," mind you! But when "no" becomes a refrain, it tends to fade into the background noise.

[Jill]

Children usually remember the last thing we say to them. Remember the Peanuts specials on TV? "mwap mwap mwap mwap mwap." This is how we sound to a busy toddler. Therefore, the last few words of the directions are what they hear. Instead of "don't run", try merely "stop"- for all ages, spouses too!

[Rookie Mom Heather]

Love it! I have real trash-picker-upper in my house too. Thanks for sharing.

[Stu Mark]

With reference to the variant of "Stop" over "Don't run", I'd like to mention my method: Cite the rule, let the child decide.

In other words, instead of making a decree, I try to get their attention by calling their name (and if stopping is a goal, this method provides the desired results). Once I have their attention, I remind them of the rule "Remember, there is no running in the house." Then I ask what they will do. If they say "Walk", I reply, "Sounds like a great idea," which further provides them with a sense of control, as though walking was their idea. This normally breeds empowerment and a positive feeling about accepting rules. Everyone wins.

[Jill]

Stu Mark: In addition to your suggestion that they decide for themselves what to do (correctly), I must add that this can be expanded. When a conflict of any type occurs, if the child is calm enough, ask them what ELSE they could do. And, don't stop at one idea. See if they can come up with several ideas and then choose one to follow through with to do. My son could do this occasionally at 4yo, and it seems like a great way to teach kids that there are always multiple answers to problems. If "our rule is no running in the house", then "I could walk", "I could crawl like a worm", and "I could sit to play a game" would all be answers that would be acceptable. I love helping them push their brains one step ahead.

[Stu Mark]

Jill, Absolutely! That's a fantastic idea. I also enjoy pushing their brains, and love opportunities like that. I'm just a guy, so I get into problem solving mode, which means looking for the most efficient solution. Your way is better, no doubt.

[private]

Is spanking ok? What do you do with a 4 yr old on Vacation - when you can't send him to his room for a rime out?

[momma2mingbu]

When mine were little, if they picked up something they shouldn't have, I would pretend they meant to give it to me all along. I'd hold out my hand for it and say, "Oh! Thank you!" with a big smile and they'd give it right to me!

[Rukaiya]

Excellent advice. I'm sure this would work!

[Stu Mark]

With regard to spanking, there are are different viewpoints, and I won't judge. I will say that we do not spank at our house, that we also do not yell. If the kid in question is being an utter bastard, I first think "what's the worst that can happen if I just give in. What if I pretend that I thought about it and agreed that they were right?" If I have way to establish a time-out right then and there, sometimes a nice rationalization makes everything cool.

On the other hand, if they are resistant to something serious, like "I know we're on vacation but I said no, you may not drink the bleach", then sometimes I resort to crying, begging, bribing, whatever will work. Obviously you don't want to normally reward bratty behavior, but giving in once in a blue moon is perfectly reasonable. It's the price you pay for your own sanity.

[Jeremy]

Telling children the natural consequences of their actions and asking them if that's what they want usually works well for me.

"Sometimes we see broken bottles in the trash can here at the park. Do you want your hand to get cut by a broken bottle?"

[sweetpea]

This doesn't just work on my toddler, it even works on my husband.

[hedra]

For the vacation rules, we talk out consequences before anything happens. This is after having learned the hard way that they often don't carry the rules with them to a new place. ALL bets are off, including basic safety, as far as they know.

Prevention is better than consequences, so setting up the situation (especially on vacation) to allow for better behavior is really useful. The same principle as saying 'do' instead of 'don't', really. Explain in detail what is expected (every item must be a DO, not a Don't) at each location, before each new event, and at all transitions. Be sensible and reasonable, as well - consider putting in things like, 'if you need to run around, tell me and we'll try to find you a safe place to run. If we notice you need to run around before you notice it, we'll do the same.' That can be a 'do' for Mommy/Daddy. It is boooooring for mommy/daddy, but it works really well. It also helps you think through the possible disaster options ahead of time (even if only just moments ahead), which can be a real advantage.

[andicb]

With regard to the spanking/time out issue, I just wanted to add that it is actually very helpful to have a corner be a "time out" place. There are corners everywhere you go, and it can be even more boring than a room, too. You could also take them out to the car---this works for the grocery store and countless other situations, too.

[carlos]

I'm a parent, (recent) grandparent and the husband of an in-home daycare provider (for close to thirty years) I've been both an observer and participant in child development and training.

As has already been pointed out, children tend to think in pictures (they don't know how to read yet and don't grasp many abstractions) so simply prefacing an action with "Don't" doesn't have the intended effect. "Don't run into the street" is difficult to picture until you drop the "Don't" and it becomes easy to visualize.

As far as giving in to a child who is throwing a tantrum, It's my opinion that a person actually trains their child to throw tantrums by giving in. Children need to know what the rules are. We have no problem with children in our home that the parents recount horror stories and frustrations about continually. The reason some parents feel that they have to give in for the sake of their sanity is that they've trained their child that what the parent says is changeable given enough grief and a high enough frustration level on the parent's part. For instance, I witness the following interaction on almost a daily basis:

"Don't do that."
"I told you to stop that!"
"Didn't you hear me? I said not to do that."

This can go on indefinitely. If the child is damaging someone elses property it may not end until the show moves to a different venue. If it's something that isn't dangerous the parent may say, "Alright. Here." and give the child something they've been whining for. The problem is that the child never knows when "Stop" means stop and when it just means "Keep hammering on me until I cave in". In that case the default, if the child wants to do something is to hammer away. The problem is greatly compounded when the child isn't just doing something destructive, but dangerous to themselves or others. You may not have time to play the 'How many times do I have to tell you' game in those instances.