On taking a road trip with little ones

Jill shares her secrets for relatively smooth road trips with kids. I admit I've been intimidated by the prospect of shoving our whole family in a car for more than a few hours, but this list gives me hope.

1. Set a timer for a "flexible" 30 min to one hour. Each time it goes off, regardless of the behavior occurring at that moment, provide a tiny treat. (believe it or not, about the size of five M&M's worked for us) Have a variety of fun snacks or wrapped packages (five new crayons in colored tissue paper with a bow) This trick will stop a meltdown in its tracks and give everyone a fresh start. It is the timer's decision, not yours, so kids don't feel judged. Although you can secretly mess with the timer (just getting back in the car after a break was better than just as we were getting out I found) they seem to respect the inanimate object.

2. Take new and novel toys, especially with moving parts. Take birthday blowers and other noisemakers if you can stand it. They come out and they get put back away. Toys can rotate every 30 min to one hour.

3. Make a routine. Timer goes off, treat is passed around, Mom collects the old toys. Everyone sings, reads or listens to a CD for a while, then Mom passes out new toys and the timer starts again.

4. Take 15-minute breaks every two hours. At least. Better to take longer and arrive saner.

5. Keep your home routine intact as much as possible. Morning snack, stories before naptime, etc. Even if you're in the car, a routine always helps. If the trip is longer than one day, make the days similar.

6. Stop somewhere with a pool in the evening.

7. Eat meals in places that don't require sitting still and behaving. It won't happen. Even takeout in a parking lot is better than yet another restaurant meltdown.

8. Breathe deeply and have wine with dinner. :) Good luck!

Tags: Family travel, Parenting

Comments

[Ike]

I think going to hotels with pools is really a good idea. My son loves the pool and whatever energy he has left at the end of a day, which is a lot, is easily burned up in the pool.

I have other tips on traveling by car with a toddler posted on my Family Traveler blog at http://blogs.tripconnect.com/famly/2006/06/toddler_103_tra.html . Also, you can join a family travel advice group here http://www.tripconnect.com/tripconnect/FamilyTravelers

[Michael Leddy]

If your kids are old enough, writing reviews of things from your trip can be a great way to pass a lot of time in the car. Our family has reviewed everything from restaurants to museum bathrooms to public transit to stationery stores. Reviewing can be a great way to memorialize both good and bad parts of a trip. It's also fun to read the reviews from previous trips (thus passing even more time in the car).

[Scott]

portable DVD players are one of the best time-passing devices in history. Used properly with headphones, they can extend intervals between bathroom breaks, and ensure a peaceful journey.

[David]

We use books on tape, Magic treehouse is a great series, keeps my 6 year old twins content for hours.

thanks for the other ideas, the pool is a must.

[Russ]

Unabridged books on CD checked out from the library work for us. Purchased retail they're a fortune.

[Jocelyn]

Singing in the car worked wonders for me and my siblings growing up. And there's always the classic "I Spy" game which keeps kids engaged, entertained, and focused.

[Malcolm]

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with quite a bit of this.

What you're describing is "random reinforcement" -- which means basically children learn that misbehaving has no consequences as long as it happens inbetween half hour "bell rings".

Your line about "they seem to respect the inanimate object" belies a more significant way to keep kids manageable during a road-trip -- they should respect YOU.

Fear of "kids feeling judged" is a failure in parenting -- not because kids should be critiqued regularly -- but because SOME confident feedback gives them a vector and a reference point in establishing their own psyche and personality. People want to learn from those who know -- and compared to your kids at this age -- you know everything -- so TEACH them from YOU, not from an arbitrary (or semi-manipulated) bell.

The old saying is "the walls I can push down won't protect me". You want kids that aren't wild and agitated? If they don't have truly physical or emotional problems (which is outside of scope for ANY blog comment) then setting some specific guidelines and sticking to them will ensure that the kids learn their boundaries and yours. Kids WANT to know that mom and dad are in control -- not overbearing tyrants -- but in control. Playing games with gadgets and "hiding your authority" from the kids (it's not me, Junior, it's the bell) will manifest in later life to a process of ignoring you completely and only reacting to outside stimuli for cues and direction.

You want to "hack" your kids? Go read "Love and Logic" by Jim Fey -- it's a successful program used by teachers, parents, grandparents, any number of other professionals and "domestic pros" for handling unruly kids.

Also -- ending with "hey, have a glass of wine" seems to indicate that there might be another reason there is emotional dischord in the car -- drinking is not a resolution to anything -- and even kidding about it indicates that you feel a need to self-medicate is somehow appropriate... perhaps you should review your own emotional foundation more specifically; granted, I could be reading more into that comment -- but it does seem sad that you have to keep such an adversarial tone about interacting with your kids during a time when they are expressing a greater NEED for your support (being bored is not a pleasant or common experience for very little kids, and it generates confusion and fear).

That having been said -- I agree that a pool is a nice thing, and having novel toys helps to stimulate otherwise "car-trapped" kids.

Positive reinforcement at EVERY meal ("oh, honey, I'm so proud of how well behaved OUR kids are at the table..." (or even simple "yes!" and "no!" to smaller kids) will keep you from having to stuff mcDinners into your kids faces in the dead of night next to a dumpster to avoid "a meltdown" in a restuarant (presumably with a bottle of wine in a brown paper bag, since you can't drink from an open container in most states -- but then, how are you going to continue driving to the hotel with the pool?).

I agree with maintaining a routine, which is contradictory to "messing with the timer" (you know how you make a Pavlovian dog neurotic? Give it different stimuli and demand the same result, or change its stimuli and act as if its the same)... random bells pretending to be regular generates neurotic response patterns.

Here's a piece of advice -- if you're planning a trip -- start now. Define boundaries and stand to them. Junior tests you, not for control, but for a sense of strength. When you make it clear that you are in charge -- junior becomes content -- junior no longer has to worry about safety based on his/her capacity to control everything.

Will it be difficult at first, absolutely. Will consequences teach discipline in a healthy way -- youbetcha. Will waffling and confusing mixed messages frighten junior and make for constant noise and demand for control? Oh my yes.

If your kids are pre-verbal ... reinforce a sense of comfort and commitment -- if junior explodes, communicate in stern tones that it's unacceptable, preverbal doesn't mean incapable of emotional sensitivity -- babies are HUGELY sensitive to emotional input from mom & dad -- if you are honestly stern and say "No!" -- baby gets it. But TEND to Junior's needs, not your own.

No offense to the website in general, but stop thinking so much about treating this little human being like a "hackable gadget" and start interacting with him/her as a parent ... not a buddy, not a "reinforcement engineer" -- as a parent... the person who defines right and wrong, outlines personality traits, and is committed to Junior's safety and wellbeing.

The sooner you make it about a relationship with you (when you do this, I'm happy, when you do this I'm disappointed, let me help you) the sooner Junior will receive cues FROM you, instead of from the "magic ringer dinger gumball machine".

Sorry for negative feedback, but well -- I disagree.

Back to car trips -
If the trip is a frequently traveled route, such as grandmas and grandpas, have a list of previously picked landmarks for the kids to pick out - the funny looking pig on a road sign, the pink house, the really weirdly shaped tree...
It helps the time go faster for them

[Simon Kewin]

Gosh, Malcolm, I'm really not sure I'm with you there. OK, I think you've posted some very sensible comments on how we, as prents, need to set boundaries for our children. But children will become bored on long journeys no matter how well adjusted. The original post was about making travel more bearable - I don't really see how this ended up as a condemnation of parenting style.

I wouldn't really go for the timer thing either - so just play games with them, have books and toys for them, talk to them and, yes, let them watch DVDs or listen to audio books.

[A new reader]

Interesting post from Malcolm. We all have different parenting styles and there doesn't seem to be any need to be so judgemental. I thought this was supposed to be a fluff piece on easing car travel! I'm not familiar with "Love and Logic" but one Amazon reviewer has some pretty strong opinions:

"There are many reasons to be wary of the contents of this book.
*The authors claim L&L parenting methods have been researched, but L&L's "research" amounts to no more than asking parents if they were satisfied with the L&L class they just took. There have been no published studies on the effectiveness and appropriateness of L&L methods.
*The authors advise parents to repeat, relentlessly, "one liners" that are demeaning and disturbing to children (e.g. "It must be a bummer having a parent who doesn't care.") Will this only teach children to become sarcastic like their L&L parents?
*The edition I've read -- "Parenting With Love and Logic" (1990) -- approves of corporal punishment.
*Some parents following L&L set up their children for hard knocks experiences. It is not unusual to hear parents following L&L that they can't wait until their child fails in some respect.
*The authors recommend "Basic German Shepherd Training" where all toddlers must learn to comply immediately to the commands, "Sit, stay, go, come."
*L&L practices may lead children, especially young children, to believe they have been abandoned by their parents.
*L&L materials do not appear to be helpful to parents in understanding their responsibilities to their children.
*L&L encourages parents to resist reasoning with children, but rather put off their children with snide remarks, like "Nice try."
*L&L advises parents to send young children to school without clothes or lunch under certain circumstances, a practice that may invite Social Services to investigate the parents.
*L&L could be a gateway to the dangerous and abusive pop psychotherapy known as "Attachment Therapy" (aka Holding Therapy, Rage Reduction, Compression Therapy, etc.) which is illegal in many states. The founding father of Attachment Therapy, Foster Cline, is also the co-founder of L&L. Even today, the authors also sell books on the most brutal forms of Attachment Therapy and Attachment Therapy parenting (authored by Foster Cline and layperson Nancy Thomas). Many children have been injured, caged, starved and even killed by parents and even therapists following these methods.
-- In short, L&L promotes a distant, inflexible and uninvolved style of parenting where there is less love and a whole lot less logic."

[LisaS]

The key thing there is **Stop Often**. Because of multiple family crisises, we've taken eight 6+ hour driving trips in the last month with our two kids (6 & 4). We drive mostly smaller highways as opposed to interstates, so it's easy to make short stops for playgrounds and historical markers, and sometimes other things. The unpredictability keeps them on their toes, allows them some control over the situation (suggestions are considered at the driver's discretion) and strangely enough, encourages them to **look out the window.**

Regardless of how well-behaved they are, it's unreasonable to expect children to sit still in a restaurant in the middle of a long trip, so pack a picnic (or hit the drive-thru) and stop at a park or rest stop instead. The grown-ups can get a little exercise and save a little money too.

And I have to say, I prefer Gameboys to the DVD players, if only because they're not so distracting to the driver, particularly at night.

[Jill]

As the writer of the post, I feel the need to respond to Malcolm, although my gut says he won't listen anyway. Malcolm, this has nothing to do with discipline. My kids are well behaved and do well without treats at home. This is why a treat of five M&M's is still exciting to them.

My two year old hates the car and has hated it since birth. Driving to the grocery is unpleasant, and driving eight hours to Grandma's requires some intervention. My strategies are to prevent boredom, to distract from arguments ("He took the truck I was thinking about playing with next.") and make the trip fun for all. If I treated my kids like Pavlovian dogs I wouldn't suggest the singing songs and playing games part of my strategy.

I set the timer for a fun trick. Because it separates the treats from me, the treats aren't given as rewards for behavior. It just happens to be treat time. It helps break up the drive. It gives them something to look forward to. It sets a fun routine. That's all.
If I didn't use the timer, then I would find myself judging them and looking for a good time to reward them. I didn't want that. I'll deal with behavior- both positive and negative- myself, in a different way. By the phrase "respect the inanimate object", I meant that they didn't beg for more treats after they'd had one.

Changing the timer to be "flexible" became necessary when it was going to go off while we were at a rest stop, or just before. I also changed it when it was going to go off while my little one was starting a nap. Understandable, I hope.

Don't read into this hack more than is there.

[Katie]

Earlier this summer we drove 600 miles to a family reunion with our 2 1/2 year old and 10 month old. These are the three things that saved our sanity:

1) Leaving way before (like 4 a.m.) the kids normally get up. Yes it did wake them up, but they both went back to sleep within an hour and then we had a good four hours of uninterrupted travel time. When I was a kid my parents would put us in the car at bedtime and drive straight through the night while we slept. So travel as much as you can during normal sleep hours. We didn't try driving through the night because we didn't trust ourselves to stay awake. But we did drive as much as we could while the kids normally sleep.

2) As someone else said, eat at the park. I doesn't take anymore time to find a park and make a picnic then to find a diner and wait for food. The kids unwind and everyone can have a little space for a bit. It also a better way to stretch your legs then to sit down somewhere and eat.

3) Bring tylenol! On our way home the baby would not quit screaming no matter what we did. We stopped and let her crawl around, I nursed her, we fed her and we put her back in the car and she screamed, and screamed, and screamed. We played with her, she screamed. We played music, she screamed. For a hundred miles, no matter what we did, she screamed. My sister suggested she might be uncomfortable after sitting so long so we gave her tylenol, and she slept. Life was good again. Don't forget tylenol.

[Parent Hacks Editor]

First, kudos to Jill, as Wendy at Lifehacker, too, feels her tips are smart:

http://lifehacker.com/software/kids/make-road-trips-funeven-with-kids-191412.php

Second, this seems a good time for a gentle editorial reminder. Parenting brings out the passion in all of us, and respectful disagreement makes any discussion stronger. I want Parent Hacks to be a place where people can debate the issues, even when it all comes down to personal choices. As soon as readers feel judged, however, the discussion begins to erode.

With little exception, the participation on this blog has been amazingly generous and intelligent. When there have been disagreements, they have been civil. Let's keep it this way.

[Carol Sue Haney]

I read these posts right before a necessary car trip from Chicago to Vermont this week. Jill, thanks so much - Molly was much happier than the last time we did this drive (same time, last year). A tip we stumbled upon was scheduling out who drove, switching on our breaks (at least every two hours with 15 minutes run-around time). This allowed for driver downtime as well as parent downtime. Sitting with Molly in the backseat helped as well.

[tracey]

Just in time. We're going on a plane ride and I need all the help I can get. Many of these road trip techniques will work on the plane.

Execpt the timer thing might bug people. Besides my daughter would be yelling at the top of her lungs, "Is the timer going to go off?" the entire flight! Not effective for us.

I always travel with megnetic games. They rule!

[Yardley]

Speaking of magnetic games, I have a tip for this. OK, full disclosure: It's not an original idea. I saw it on http://www.wejustgotback.com, a family travel site (look in Tip Sheets for one called "Road Trips"). Anyway, someone on that site suggested using a flat cookie tray as a lap desk for a child during car trips. The raised sides keep crayons from rolling off when the kid is coloring, and it can also be used with all sorts of magnetic puzzles, shapes, games, activity books (my kids like the Fisher Price magnetic farm book), and of course toys like Magnetix. I thought this sounded pretty smart, so I tried it and my kids loved it.

[Dan]

My wife and I have covered over 16,000 miles with our kids in the past four years or so. Here are a couple more tips:
1. Cheap digital camera for the kids. We have an old point and shoot that also shoots video; our six year old loves it.
2. Stop for dinner early (4:30 or so) to beat the rush; hardly any wait. But I like eating pik-niks in parks too.
3. Videos seem to turn the kids brains to mush, so we don't use them at all (your results may vary).
4. Be careful about the snacks; we pack a no-crash snack stash (no sugar).
5. Hotel that includes breakfast -- saves time, money, and a lot of hassels, you don't even need to get the kids dressed before you feed them, which is very helpful with real young kids (upo to 2 or so)...
We've got some more tips at our new road trip blog http://www.familyroadtrippers.blogspot.com

[Shawn]

Thank you for these tips as well as all the others provided in the comments. We have 16 month old twins and need to, eventually, take a 12-hour car ride to see grandparents. I'm very nervous. I love, love, love the idea of planning stops around local (free) attractions and playgrounds. I hadn't thought of that since I'm a new mom.