Mom's and Dad's comforting styles differ, thank God

When one of our kids has a boo-boo (physical or emotional), I soothe them with hugs and sympathy. "Awwwwww," I croon while rocking my babies on my lap. "I'm sorry you're hurt/frustrated/mad." Lots of sniffing and patting and passing of Kleenex. I comfort them the way I'd want to be comforted if I were the one hurting.

Rael gives a quick hug and makes sure they're basically ok, and then starts beatboxing or making funny faces. In under sixty seconds, they're giggling, and pretty soon the injury is forgotten.

It doesn't always go this way, of course, but generally, the ways we comfort our kids follow the standard gender stereotypes. I identify, he distracts. I hate being cajoled out of my bad moods -- I've earned the right to feel crappy a moment longer, ok? -- but it often works well for the kids, who simply want the bad feeling to go away.

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Comments

[Stu Mark]

We try to ask our kids who they want (if we're both home). On the other hand, if it is serious, I will step in as moderator and translator, to make sure that all needs are met. If it isn't a serious injury, we let the kid pick what they want, either a big deal or a little deal, all hugging, no hugging, humor, empathy, history, etc. Speaking of which, don't you find history to be healing to a kid? If my kids are hurt, sometimes they will be comforted by "when I was your age I broke my arm" and the like.

[Andi]

Kids will usually go to the parent whose comforting style is what they need at the moment. For those times when the needed comforter is not available (i.e. mom is away from home or dad is on the phone) the child needs to be empowered to tell their parent what they need. "Just hug me, dad." or "Mom, I know that you want to cuddle me, but what I'd really like is a funny story." That, of course, works better with older kids than toddlers or infants.

[stacey]

this is true at our house too. however, i have noticed that my boys (2 and 4) seem to prefer to call out for Mommy when they are in need of comfort.

BUT i have noticed that when my dh is upset i am able to get HIM to snap out of it by making funny faces or doing something silly :)

[Stu Mark]

As a husband I can say that my wife's humor will normally lift me out of my doldrums. Not so much the effectiveness of the jokes. Instead it is the effort that makes me feel better. Knowing that she cares enough about me to play the fool, well, that shows me right there that she loves me, and knowing someone loves you will help bring you back to life.